Holy Complicated Life, Batman

HIGH, LOW

2008-12-22T12:16:38Z

Found a place to call my home
This suite was made me for alone
Not a man just a thing
She's a queen without a king

Broken bottles all around
Pools of blood, they stain the ground
People come and people go
Some get high and some get low

Some get high, some get low
Some dont try but they wont show
Some did try but they wont grow
Some get high and others low

Every morning's a brand new hell
I find there is nothing to tell
Mind is blank and my face is numb
How can a person be so dumb

Broken bottles all around
Pools of blood, they stain the ground
People come and people go
Some get high and some get low

Some get high some get low
Some dont try but they dont know
Some will try but they wont grow
Some get high and others low.

ALL WE'RE LEFT WITH

2008-12-22T12:16:00Z

When all were left with is our suites our ties and silence in the streets
I lost my soul and all my pride
And now im lying here, cold sweat upon my sheets
A colder feeling is inside

Time let it slip away
Dreamin of mold and clay
Find out how yesturday can go away
You have no say anymore

Memory my only guide
Fear of what lurks inside
Hoping for a quick ride so i can hide
Wont see it anymore

Nameless faces when we were young
Just led to the ancient graces that deny you your tounge
And mighty day in the fall of rome
You gotsta play while you are known

Happiness is just another word thats left behind in you
And ignorance is bliss
If you have it who needs the truth

When all were left with is our suites our ties and silence in the streets
I lost my soul and all my pride
And now im lying here, cold sweat upon my sheets
A colder feeling is inside.

SUMMER GUEST IN WINTER

2008-12-22T12:13:51Z

Breakthrough
How are you doing today?
Our answers
All of your questions, insane

Our history seems to repeat
all the answers I stored
I can't understand what's wrong
My head hurts

I hold your hand
I whisper all of your dreams
I breathe in the air
That you breathe out night

Oh, all that I want is to make you come
No, I can't take control of all your words
No, I can't take control of all your moods
Say, say you don't wanna be part of it

This is where i wanna be
This is where i gotta be

Maybe you can figure that i'm not into that
How can I
I disobeyed it all
Never lose control of all of your sweet dreams
All the words you whispered silently and sweet
I don't think I know
How to let it go
I don't think I know

i should try to make things better but, i'm not the only one
we should try to make things better but, we're not the only ones.

SAME OLD SONG AND DANCE

2008-12-22T12:13:05Z

the others

white lightning over a horizon
a sudden rush
catch a gimpse of them.
them who are the ones.
the ones we adore
the ones we strive to be
wishng and hoping
what for?
whats the pain worth to you?
why do this to yourself?
what have they ever done for you?
what is a friend anyway
somebody changed the rules
a fixed description of a lie
then you look the other way
you smile as you see the others
seems as though you are not alone at being alone
they feel it too
the pain
seeping through them like a soaked garden of hurt
they share it
they know a secret
a secret that is only revealed to the ones who have felt that pain
and at that moment you realize you are the one
the one people adore
you laugh, you cry, you run.

______________________________________________________________________

scream

you wanna know if its good enough
well its not
its never, never enough
always a new crowd
stop the crowds from coming
the swarms of people
you drown
drown in the devious, disappointed eyes
eyes always on you
never anything right
never know what to say
all i know is
in your eyes
i wish to be forgotten.

______________________________________________________________________

places

go to the desert
the desert of shame
the highlight is there is no pain
you have no name, no pain
but shame
dont try to remember your name
the pain will return
go to the desert
the desert of shame
to rid
to shed
your pain
only thing left is the blame.

_____________________________________________________________________

God

going back
back again to the house of hell
where everything is not quite right
down down down to the depths of despare
turn your back on god
what god?
would a god let this happen to them?
they weep for you
why cant you hear them?
you just choose not to.

____________________________________________________________________

Mix

dreams;fairytales;reality?
whats the difference?
wishing;fake;pain
do you believe in magic?
cause i dont
numb in my own state of mind
i think everyones got a confession to make
but this one is mine
keep it locked up from your judgement, forever.

____________________________________________________________________

stranded

i gave up on waitng
a teardrop gently kisses my eyelashes
thunder sounds about
rain begins to drench my sorrows
it lonesome in the cold, dark moonlit sky
lost and afraid
i should go
no
one more moment to dwell upon sadness
i hear someone call my name
when i look no one is there
no one is ever there
scared and confused
i drift into a silent state
numbing my every move
out from my life, forever
never again.

_____________________________________________________________________

silence now

the quiet mountain smells of fresh glorious lilacs
roses smeared one by one to death
the black moonlight passionately graces the earth
i cry to myself as i am alone
reflecting on my past
i whisper to the sky as it curses my broken soul.

_____________________________________________________________________

meaningless

all these thoughts will one day slow
the bends we amend
brittle bones are erie expressions
pins and needles not the only thing that stab you
you fall, cant get back up
the bodies hit the floor
something wrong with us
death is my friend
you werent
you had no time
some way to live
hope you like the evil that has covered up your heatless self
that is that and this is this
one day after another
get way from me
just leave me in pieces
dig this grave that you have already created in your mind
created the day we met
we learned the hard way
to never let it get that far
but you let it get that far
and now
because of you
i am afraid.

______________________________________________________________________

promise

restless temptress trapped in life
always resisting your calling knife
speak to them, closed ears neglect
home another day, they can't detect
bored and alone you wonder why
friends have never seen you cry
stay strong for the weak
helpful advice for those who seek
time to time they ask about you as they wave goodbye
smiles take over you as you continue to lie
im happy you promise, you force grin
cant relate to the pain that burns deep within.

____________________________________________________________________

reflection in the sun

never hollow, always pure
sometimes life's hard to endure
softly weeping with the breeze
sadness comes to them with ease
down pour loves a broken soul
wearing it down to an empty hole
rain let up, tears shone in the sun
as they pray and slowly lift their guns.

____________________________________________________________________

the war

water way, water lay
gently, freely, flows away
generals are in their own guilt
look at the empire you have built
sun up above shining down
as one by one they fall to the ground
violence never got us anywhere
you shrug as you continue to point and stare
hope you like what is your life
they passed, you killed, they sacrificed
commiting crime, sweden wonders how
but just tell me one thing, are you happy now?

LIFE

2008-12-22T12:11:50Z

This is the story of how a person got from point A to point Z. Some call it fate, others chance, but what ever you call it, it sure is an iteresting thing to ponder, dont you think? The twisting paths our lives follow. How did you get here? The place where you are right now at this very moment. What series of events brought you to this place at this specific point in time? Where are you in life? Are things turning out the way you'd planned? And by the way, when was the last time you spoke with your parents? Dont you think you want to give them a call, to thank them for the set of circumstances that brought them together at a certain place, at a certin moment in time, when you were created.

ARTIST IN THE AMBULANCE

2008-12-22T12:09:24Z

i'm left here with the question of just

what have i to show except the promises I never kept?

i lie here shaking on this bed, under the weight of my regrets

rhetoric can't raise the dead

i'm sick of always talking when there's no change

rhetoric can't raise the dead

i'm sick of empty words, let's lead and not follow

look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares

it gets me down but i'm still gonna try to do what's right,

i hope that i will never let you down

i know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound.

WALLFLOWER

2008-12-22T12:08:20Z

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines

he wrote a poem

And he called it "Chops"

because that was the name of his dog

And thats what it was all about

And his teacher gave him an A

and a gold star

And his mother hung it on the kitchen door

and read it to his aunts

That was the year Father Tracy

took all the kids to the zoo

And he let them sing on the bus

And his little sister was born

with tiny toenails and no hair

And his mother and father kissed alot

And the girl around the corner sent him a

Valentine signed with a row of X's

and he had to ask his father what the X's meant

And his father always tucked him in bed at night

And was always there to do it.

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines

he wrote a poem

And he called it "Autumn"

because that was the name of the season

And that's what it was all about

And his teacher gave him an A

and asked him to write more clearly

And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door

because of its new paint

And the kids told him

thats Father Tracy smoked cigars

And he left butts on the pews

And sometimes they would burn holes

That was the year his sister got glasses

with thick black frames

And the girl around the corner laughed

when he asked her to go see Santa Claus

And the kids told him why

his mother and father kissed a lot

And his father never tucked him in bed at night

And his father got mad when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a piece of paper torn from his notbook

he wrote a poem

And he called it "Innocence: A Question"

because that was the question about his girl

And that's what it was all about

And his professor gave him an A

and a strange stready look

And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door

because he never showed her

That was the year that Father Tracy died

And he forgot how the end

of the Apostle's went

And he caught his sister

making out on the back porch

And his mother and father never kissed

or even talked

And the girl around the corner

wore too much makeup

That made him cough when he kissed her

but he kissed her anyway

becacuse that was the thing to do

And at three A.M he tucked himself into bed

his father snoring soundly.

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag

he tried another poem

And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"

Because that's what it was really all about

And he gave himself an A

and a slash on each damned wrist

And he hung it on the bathroom door

because he didn't think

he could reach the kitchen.

DECEMBER 22 - 6470818671

2008-12-22T12:07:10Z

at this moment there are 6 billion 4 hundred 70 million 8 hundred 18 thousand 6 hundred 71 people in the world.

some, are running scared.

some, are coming home.

some tell lies to make it through the day.

others, are now just facing the truth.

some are evil men at war with good.

and some are good, stuggling with evil.

6 billion people in the world.

6 billion souls.

and sometimes,

all you need is one.

DECEMBER 15th 2:09 AM

2008-12-16T01:26:07Z

Alright. Shit. Alright. Shit.

Omg so I after I came in, I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed from the side, my nose looks like that of a beak of a falcon. I just spelled beak as beack. Wow. SPELLCHECK.

Anyway, after I looked from the side, I looked on front and thought I looked pretty, but I wish I was Michele Pfieffer when she was younger like in her teens. She was pretty.

Then I wrote this, but before I started writing I cracked my knuckles. But it wasn’t safitsying because…my hands are cold. So I could feel it. I can feel the cold inside of my hands. Its grossing me out.

That was sooooo pointless to write. How DO you explain a feeling.

Omg. I hate this song. Its too loud right now. “I cant get enough of you baby.”

The words are nice. It’s got really cute lyrics, but the MUSIC sounds awful.

Actually I kinda like it.

Good drums.

And good beat.

I think that’s what I meant actually.

w/e

ew I never write it like that. Its always w.e

do I do that?

Or do I just write what ever. Yea I would write the words. But only in this case. Not for other words.

Im lost.

That didn’t make sense.

Im SO hungry!

I wish I had cheesies and orange juice.

Or something really flavourful ARRIBAS CHIPS!

GET THEM NEXT TIME YOU DO THIS!

DUDE I WANT THEM!

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

You know whats weird fuck just means…sex? But yet. It’s a swear word.

How is sex a swear word.

I mean I guess it is for little kids.

But not to adults.

Why was the word fuck invented. Its so rude. But saying sex isn’t.

But it became something we get in trouble for saying.

When really its just a word.

Its just letters put together.

People just made up words.

What if

A tree was the name they gave to what we now call a car?

Like….those two items change words. A tree becomes the name of a car a car becomes the name of a tree.

Get it?

Like……..like we gave them names. Words are just made up so that creatures aka human kind could communicate better. Like we say “could you please move the car?” when we want someone to move it. It’s a short cut so that we don’t have to do what cavemen did like grunt and point. We do it because we know better. Because the human brain is so complex. That’s why religion is crap. We were created by evolution. Not by a god. The only thing that makes me believe in god is where did the creatures come from. But for stupid humans to then go complicate everything and want to kill eachother is because they made it all about them. Gods up there like “youre welcome for giving you life, why cant we you just get along. Theres only one of me. I didn’t send down some stupid messiah. Im the one and only. And I didn’t choose one of you to be able to talk to me. Youre just nuts.” Its like what jim gaffigan said! HES SO RIGHT. He said can you imagine being the first people moses told about talking to god through a bush. They’re reaction would be like sure you did, you know moses we think you’ve been burning a bit of bush.

Hahahahabahaha SO RIGHT. OMG anyway

Laughing is so weird. Its like we write out hahahahahha because that’s what we say when laugh or hehehehe for a giggle. So weird. And like when we are laughing so hard. That’s so weird we don’t make a sound we just vibrate our bodies. Omg I havnt laughed like that in so long. Not since I was friends with D. We laughed till we cried. Or maybe even as long ago as R. I always laugh like that with R. The kind where you hold your stomach and cant breathe. Its so fun!!!!!! Omg actors have to force laughing. Like imagine doing the same joke over and over. Would it still be funny? No. so like….they pretend to laugh. Omg.

That would be hard. Its sounds so dumb when you fake it. Naturally were like hahaha but acting is like ha ha ha….like more proper….and longer spaces in between each ha.

Wow. Anyway, Im gunna watch Beauty and the Beast and then go to bed.

Nanight.

December 13th !0:00 PM

2008-12-16T01:24:21Z

I am really sad today. And I don’t know why. I’m just in one of those moods. I feel like even though things are going really good for me right now…I’m just sad. And I almost feel like I don’t have a right to be sad. I know its cliché to say, but people out there have far worse lives than I do. They aren’t some spoiled teenager like me who has everything she’s ever wanted. They are people – kids – who have had to rely on no one but themselves their whole life. Who am I to complain? What have I even got to complain about. I have a boyfriend – who by the way kissed someone else tonight. It wasn’t his fault.

Ps its 11: 23 (AHHH)

I said It didn’t bug me, but I so did. She’s 16. And who knows if he led her on. I mean he did say “I have a gf” but still, it just made me feel rotten. I’ve cheated on people. And I’ve cheated on, but for some reason this one just really kinda hurt. To be honest, I’d rather just not know. But anyway, back to the good things in my life. So, I have a bf, I have nice parents, I have a nice house to come home to, I’m healthy… but yet…I’m sad. I haven’t a clue what’s wrong.

Although, I think I know a contributing factor to my sadness. It is my one true love’s birthday tomorrow. Happy birthday, you jackass <3.

DECEMEBER SOMETHING 2008

2008-12-16T01:19:42Z

Nano second 12345678910……….12345678910

Hi and HIGH are the same words

Lol high…like talking saying haha, high

Let's talk about meeting strangers.

Is meeting R weird?

Is it too soon for a bf…I don’t even know him?

Is he being creepy?

How can he love me already?

IM SO GLAD I DIDN’T THROW OUT THAT MCFLURRY

I cant believe I just broke the spoon

Now it wont scoop properly.

Is sugar really good?

Like…its doesn’t really taste good.

Does ANY food taste good?

Why cant he wait to meet her?

Are they gunna bcome friends like D and R did?

Would that be weird for me?

LOL what if they cheat with eachother on me!!

So odd…

Like buddy…you don’t even know anything about her.

Am I being mean when I asked him so? After he said he cant wait to meet her cause shes youre bff then I asked why

I see my self, as I am writing this for the first time… I am imaginging myself as a famous writer/author.

He got lippy…I guess that it was mean to ask so?

A nice save though..

Man I don’t even know him

HE LOVES ME. Wtf.

Ok I AM creeped out by that.

THIS ISNT A BOOK THIS IS REAL LIFE.

I mean…what is real life anyway..?

But what ever it is…its happening RIGHT now

And you exist

You are a person

This is it! This is the only life you get

Why are humans here anyway?

How did we get created?

Whats our purpose for being created?....

Are we people in a dream?

Is someone dreaming all this up right now and then when he wakes up we all die? The world just….ends. by how ever means…nuclear (lol at me at first writing new clear) winter, that’s too clever though cause HES the one whos thinking that though. If this is a dream for him…or her then well they wouldn’t dream about how we would die before it happened. Unless…..can he do that? Or does just him waking up block his knowledge of how we die.

R is a strange!!! He cant be my boyfriend..

You don’t even know him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dating outside of high school is different than dating cause you already see how the person is when you meet them in school cause youre always with them so you can see how you act around them..if its comfortable or not. But…in this sitch specially when one party is already so attatched to the other then…youre kinda trapped.

Im trapped. I cant just say no im not ready to be a gf. I mean like….i don’t know you. It will crush him!!

But that was just weird:

Me:

lol what do you want to do?

Him:

sex haa

that was just…like sex pedifile much? What if it IS his son. I wont know till I meet him.

Ah. He loves me

And hes SO sexual like…calm down.

But 2 years? He hasnt hooked up, even kissed a girl in 2 years?

Jesus that’s a long time. Maybe he actually couldn’t get any one cause hes so annoying or gross or something in person. That’s what hes kind of like on msn…

Him:

sex sex SEX SEX SEx

Him:

xxx

Him:

love u hehe

love u hehe? LOVE YOU HEHE?

WHAT THE FUCK…why would you say that. I didn’t say what do you want to talk about…I said what do you want to DO.

But you said sex.

Saying sex about talk is funny and predictable…but the do answer was just…..creepy.

Him:

oh come on

Me:

lol come on what!

Come on what?

Him:

sexy time tehehehe

holy.

Wtf.

A 40 year old Mexican. A conner

Who..cons people into meeting up with him. Girls. Girls like me. Oh my GOD.

Like what are you wanting to come over?

And why would he say that thing about mom and dad? To get a hotel room…on new years? Jesus…wanna come over and rape me and like make them unavailable so I cant call?

Im MEAN because I said no to SEXY TIME?

What..are you really thinking about coming over….thats so weird.

I have to laugh EVERYTHING OFF.

His annoyingness AND his sexual ness. I don’t even like this guy.

Oh wow say you love me AGAIN.

Oh god.

See im CUTE youre not. Oh my god girls like me, girls like me!

I remind myself of jim gaffigan….saying the hes really weird thing in a high pitched voice just like he does it. Everytime I say those words…I hear him doing that voice, saying those words.

Omg. Break through? Ok so listen to this:

why doesn’t he have any friends?

Do his friends live away like mine (only 1, I have more friends here) he must have some friends in the school HE goes to?

Wtf….

Why was his teacher high? (not relevant)

Is that why he works so much?

Because he doesn’t have any friends?

Could I just stop talking to him?

Like make it all go away?

And then meet someone normal?

Bribes me with stuff that someone out of date thinks that girls want to hear.

But really…its kinda creepy

Him:

y do u hate me so much?

Ok fucking with me? Or ANNOYING SIDE COMING OUT AGAIN?

Him:

y do u hate me so much?

Me:

lol i dont! im just into my book

Him:

i no haha just had to make u talk lol

ok that was pretty cute…right? So hes nice sometimes

SO sexual though. An old perv would want to talk about sex with young girls…like in DROP DDEAD GORGEOUS

CANT SPELL?!?!?!??!! TYPES BADLY?!?!?! IS HE DUMB?!?!?!?

Like….gorgeause…really?

Like oh…weaseled his way in…”oh be my girl friend its how they do it in aus” THEY not we. Is he even Australian!!! Why did he pick there…why wouldn’t he pick something from Europe…like france….or italy? Because everyone says those places….So hm…to make it believeable?

We kinda always are head to head clashing though…like tells me to do something but says “haha” after it

Kinda bossy…like if you wanna tell me something then just do it without the fake laughter please?

Im rambling.

Not even interested in what im reading? Like oh what book! Like J would ask. J ALWAYS asked about everything I was doing. So interested in me…not just the way I looked and how he much loved me. He had his own life, always..but now Im R's whole life…and ive known him for a month..i miss j.

How can he love me?!

WHAT IF THAT FATHER SON JOKE WAS REAL.

Like who really doesn’t have pictures of themselves? That’s why hes stealing the ones his PARENTS aka him… took of him…those are the only few I have he would say.

Waaaaaaa?

Did he really just do that? Like a baby?

Ew.

Normal people do not say waa…even in joke form.

That’s why he wants it to be just the 3 of us up at whistler. Cause he has no friends. That’s why hes excited to meet her. No friends.

I SAID IM SORRY, BUGGER OFF.

Will N agree or talk me out of it.

She doesn’t know anything about him either. She’ll agree.

Like sure hes nice…but maybe he knows what to say to young girls to get them to believe him.

But like…N sees the reality in this. Shes so smart. Im the one whos falling for it. Shes not. That’s why she was feeling so sketched about it!

Him:

nobodys talking to me

why cause you have no friends?

Ps. Why does the computer’s volume appear to be off but its still making a “pop” sound when I receive a message?

What is a friend anyway.

Umm you dunno why no one is talking to you?

Cause you have no friends. No one TO talk to.

And he says cam!

Bugs me.

You just said you hate me. Lol I love you

Didn’t even laugh at when I said lol lies! To his I hate you…

Very weird.

Ok well at least Ive distanced myself and bought myself some time so I can sober up. And then talk to N THEN talk to him with a clear mind after ive read these notes over and get a sober opinion. And advice from her. She will know what to do. She always talks me out of a bad idea. I wonder if shes lying and shes still sketch about whistler even before I show her this letter. When she reads this part though I hope she will tell me.

Miley is so annoying and bad at acting. Everyone on the fam channel is.

Ew.

Anyway. Ugh I was just thinking I need to be a better friend to N.

Im so bossy to her! i dont mean to be!!

Sorry N!